Disengaged
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: Janeway and Chakotay deal with the fall out of B’Elanna’s selfmutilation. JC, CT. Takes place after Extreme Risk in Season five and contains major spoilers
1. Chapter 1

**Part 12: Disengaged**

Summary:

Janeway and Chakotay deal with the fall out of B'Elanna's self-mutilation. (J/C, CT)

_Pairing:_J/C, CT _Rating_: PG-13_ Type of Story:_ Drama _Level_: 2

* * *

**Part 12: Disengaged**

"Computer freeze program"

"Computer Belay that order"

"Turn it off!"

"Not until you tell me what it is!"

"You know what it is!".

"Who's this?"

"Li-paz. Don't you recognize him?"

"Oh, I recognize them all. Meyer...Nelson...Sahreen! You created a program to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is _why!_"

"I thought we came down here to talk about safety protocols. This has nothing to do with that."

"I'm not so sure. The logs show you only ran this program for 47 seconds--the day after I gave you the news about the massacre. Then you shut it down and started running the most dangerous programs you could find with the safeties off, WHY!"

"This is ridiculous, I'm not staying here……"

"Computer seal the doors"

_Be Boop_

"You can't do this!"

"The _hell_ I can't! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."

"B'Elanna, why are you intentionally trying to hurt yourself?"

"I don't know."

"Are you trying to commit suicide?"

"No"

"Then why?"

"Because...because if I sprain my ankle, at least I _feel_ something."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not trying to kill myself! I'm trying to see if I'm still alive."

"When you look at those corpses what do you feel?

"Sad. Angry. Maybe a little guilty that I wasn't there to die with them."

"Not me, I don't feel anything at all."

"B'Elanna, the Maquis were like our adopted family. I can understand you trying to block out that kind of pain--"

"You don't understand, It's not just the pain. I don't feel _anything_--not about my dead friends, not about Tom...you...my job..."

"Maybe you're afraid if you let yourself start to feel something you might not be able to stop. You can't just shut off your emotions, B'Elanna. Sooner or later...You're going to have to let yourself grieve."

"Why? Just so I can go through it all over again? When I was six, my father walked out on me. When I was 19, I got kicked out of Starfleet. A few years later, I got separated from the Maquis. And just when I start to feel safe you tell me that all of our old friends have been slaughtered. The way I figure it, I've lost every family I've ever had!"

"B'Elanna...You have a new family now...Here on Voyager and you're not going to lose us. You're stuck with us!"

"You can't promise me that," she says.

"No, I suppose I can't. Losing people is inevitable, and sometimes it happens sooner than we expect...But I can promise you that the people on this ship aren't about to let you stop living your life or break your neck on the Holodeck. You're going to have to find another way to deal with this."

"I don't know how,"

"Then we'll figure it out, together."

* * *

_"Meyer...Nelson...Sahreen! You created a program to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is __why!  
__  
"Turn it off!"_

"The _hell__ I can't! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."  
__  
"You don't understand, it's not just the pain. I don't feel __anything__--not about my dead friends, not about Tom...you...my job..."_

"Why are you intentionally trying to hurt yourself?"

"Because...because if I sprain my ankle, at least I _feel__ something."_

"You created a program to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is _why!  
__"Are you trying to commit suicide?"_

"No!"

"Then why!"

"I'm not trying to kill myself! I'm trying to see if I'm still alive."

"When you look at those corpses what do you feel?"

"Sad. Angry. Maybe a little guilty that I wasn't there to die with them."

"…_..What do you feel?"_

"_I don't feel anything at all"_

"Not just the pain, I don't seem to feel anything."

"…_..What do you feel?"_

"… I don't seem to feel anything"

"_Not just the pain…."  
"…..Anything"  
" I don't….. feel anything….."_

Beep Boop

The chime sounded in his Quarters. Chakotay refused to get up. He just sat in his lounger drained; hands draped across the side, legs completely out, the sound of the chime temporarily obliterating the conversation that he had played over and over in his head. The noise didn't stop, so Chakotay had a fairly good idea who was at the door.

"Come." He called wearily. He didn't bother to open his eyes.

The person entered, and Chakotay began drifting off again. After all the person would speak when she was good and ready and she didn't need any introduction, any amenities and there was no need to act as if she were a guest. She was welcome at anytime in any part of his life, even in this part, where he was worried about a friend, unsure how to proceed and a little frightened that he would mess things up. The person at the door knew him and he knew it would be impossible to hide those things from her. He didn't try.

Chakotay knew something was wrong when he heard hesitation and no footfalls. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard a male voice begin….

"I'm sorry to disturb you Commander, if you have a minute, I would like to….."

Chakotay cursed himself and leapt to his feet. He assumed that Kathryn would be the only member of the crew to be this persistent when he had posted privacy notices on his quarters. He forgot that in this instance there would be one other person even more anxious than the captain tonight for answers. He was perhaps the only person on the crew who was more worried than the Captain and himself for B'Elanna. His eyes fell on a very nervous and very unsure Tom Paris in his doorway.

"Sorry Tom, I thought you were someone else. Please come in."

Wordlessly the Lieutenant assigned to Conn entered his quarters and stood awkwardly in the entrance to his sitting area.

"Please have a seat. What can I do for you?" Chakotay asked but he realized the question was just a formality. He knew what Tom wanted to talk about. But now that he was involved, he would have to be careful what he said. He had assumed a role of confidant and that could never be betrayed to Tom because of the nature of the relationship between Tom and B'Elanna, even though the two were lovers

Tom sat, and tried to make himself comfortable. He didn't come straight to the point, he hemmed and hawed, started and stopped. Chakotay let him. It was an awkward situation, he felt it and he let Tom feel it. Chakotay wondered in the back of his mind if he wasn't a little angry with Tom, for letting B'Elanna reach to that level without intervention, for not telling people that something was wrong. In truth, he shouldn't blame Tom. He knew first hand how good B'Elanna was at hiding things that really hurt her. Blustering with anger, being belligerent, that had always been her style for hiding, so it should have registered on someone's sensors that something was very wrong when she was just quiet. He thought back to her reaction when he first gave her the news. She had been so angry, so he assumed that she was grieving that she was getting it out of her system. He missed the clues that were right in front of him. They had been under constant red alert for the first three months after and bored out of their minds for the next three months and that why he didn't notice that this was not her normal modus operandi. He shouldn't blame himself, and not knowing what was going on in Tom and B'Elanna's relationship, he shouldn't blame Tom either.

Chakotay realized that while his mind wandered, Tom had hemmed and hawed himself into silence. But still Chakotay waited. When had he learnt to be so patient when it came to these matters? In all other areas of his work, he was always fidgeting, in constant motion, except in this one. If Tom was trying to give a report, Chakotay would have had it out of him by now. Maybe B'Elanna was right, maybe without knowing it he had become ship's counselor. What did it say about their Captain that he had picked up these skills because he had to be supportive of her on this journey? What did it say about him that he was the only one that she trusted enough to do so emotionally?

Tom finally blurted out. "Chakotay, what is wrong with B'Elanna? What can I do? How can I help her? ……….I've been beating myself up pretty badly for not pushing the issue her and not making her tell me what was going on." Tom looked at Chakotay with a pleading look in his eye, but when he met the compassion in Chakotay's eyes, he couldn't take it and looked away. He fixed his gaze on an artifact that Chakotay had on his table in order to give himself strength to continue what he was saying. "The truth is, I was so relieved that we weren't fighting anymore, I didn't ask why. I just let her go out and try to hurt herself……I thought that if I just gave her time and space then everything would blow over….hell knows that's the way I normally deal with things…." Tom's voice was growing quieter and quieter after his opening question until head bowed, he said "….I just didn't want her to leave me, I thought that if I pushed it, that's what she'd do."

"Tom," Chakotay said just as quietly as he did. When Tom looked up again, this time he saw the pain in his Commanding Officer's eyes and even though he knew that it was just a pale shadow of the same in his eyes, that they were suffering together. Chakotay clasped his hands behind his back and continued sincerely. "I've know B'Elanna longer than you. If she doesn't want you to know something, you won't know no matter how close you are to her. Chakotay knew that first hand.

"But the clues where right there in front of me and I missed them." Tom said miserably.

"So did everyone else. No one on this ship is an island, and I don't care how involved anyone is, we all interact with a lot of people everyday. None of us picked it up, the Captain, Neelix, myself, even Harry didn't see that something was wrong and we saw the clues for the same period of time that you did. What's done is done. What's important now is what happens from this point on."

"What happens now Chakotay?" Tom's face was pained and begging him for the answers. Chakotay knew that it would be best not give it to him and he wouldn't not even if B'Elanna had told him to. For the sake of their relationship, they needed to talk to each other about it, to get through their part of it together, just as he and B'Elanna had to for the sake of their relationship both professional and personal.

"That's up to you and B'Elanna. Right now B'Elanna needs you, she needs all of us in a different way, but you especially. She may try to push you away with anger, with physical intimacy, with avoidance, with work, with everything she's got. Honestly, I think that now the cat's out of the bag……I think that she wants to talk, she wants to share, but she doesn't know how. She may make a lot of mistakes while she's doing it, but she'll try. Stand by her."

Swiftly as he finished the sentence, Tom got up and stared out of the viewport in Chakotay's quarters. He tried hard to make it seem as if there was something scratching him beneath his eyes, but Chakotay observed the droplets falling in the dark. His eye sight was 20/20. He walked silently and softly to where Tom was standing, stopping just outside his personal space.

"What if I say something wrong, what if she really pushes me away and tries to hurt herself again?" Tom's voice sounded hollow

"She won't do that" Chakotay replied studying him. Tom wrung his hands through his hair. _Drying his hands_ Chakotay thought and he smiled sadly. Tom was trying so hard to mask the kind of pain that he felt. The rejection of what B'Elanna had tried to do to herself had cut him deeply.

"How do I know that?"

"Because this was a wake-up call to all of us. Her way of telling us, of telling _herself_ that something was wrong. She's not going to hurt herself anymore. Tom….." Chakotay crossed the distance and put his hand lightly on the younger man's back. "…..trust her. And trust the love that you both share, it is a lot stronger than you think."

Tom turned at that point, but his head was still down. Slowly he raised it and met Chakotay's eyes. His haunted look met a kind one and he felt a little solace there. Tom drew strength from the older man's wiser eyes. He knew his eyes were bloodshot and raw and that tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't care. Chakotay told him earnestly. "She chose well, when she chose you. She chose someone who would risk finding himself…and losing himself…in loving her."

Tom's lower lip trembled, but he didn't break. "Thank you Chakotay," he choked out. He ran out the front door and nearly collided with……

* * *

Kathryn raised her hand to ring the chime on Chakotay's quarters just as the door opened just missed being knocked down as Tom was exiting.

"Captain" he muttered as he hurried past her. She didn't miss his face, nor the tears that he was wiping away furiously as he left. She made no move to stop him and ask him what the matter was. She knew. Turning slowly she faced Chakotay who was still standing with his hands behind his back.

"What can I do for you Kathryn?" Chakotay asked wearily, his voice now catching. He didn't know why. He was a little tired, but not sad. He believed every word that he told Tom. What happened today was just a start and it was a good one. B'Elanna had begun to heal.

Kathryn took a long look at Chakotay from the door way. He looked completely out of it, as if he was shutting down. She had come to his quarters as usual to do work. She wanted to get his advice on how to deal with B'Elanna's emotional wounds, to get him to liaise with the Doctor and to get his thoughts about her going back to her daily job. But she realized now, that Chakotay was in no shape for that. He was dressed for bed at 20:00 hrs, he had planned for it to be an early night and Tom's visit may have prevented that. Kathryn knew that it did not matter what was going through the Commander's mind at this time, and the fact that he and Tom still had their occasional run-ins, Chakotay would be there for him. Being there for him, for them was part to his commitment to the ship, his commitment to getting her crew home and by extension, his commitment to her.

Slowly she walked towards him and he kept his eyes on her. When she was close to him she looked at him intently and he looked at her again with a questioning look on his face. "Kathryn?" he started as she made her way towards him her arms open wide. She gave him a big bear hug. "Kathryn, it's OK, I'm alright." Chakotay muttered against her uniform, but his form almost sank into hers as she felt him let go of all that he had been holding in, for their sakes during the Malon attack, for B'Elanna's sake and even for her sake as he dealt with the immediate threat. He had dealt with emotional crises of the crew before, but this one would affect him more than the others. Most of his former family was lost and one of the survivors had almost taken herself away from them, away from him. It was a lot and Kathryn saw in Chakotay a man's whose last measure of strength for the day had just been drained by dealing with Tom.

She held him for a good while until he finally pulled away and broke the embrace. He looked at her as she put her palm against his cheek. He leaned into it feeling her warmth for a long time . When he raised his head he saw the concern lining her face. He smiled. It was the second time for the night and this time it was warm and genuine.

"I'm OK" He said and his voice was stronger now, light was back in his eyes. "I know you came here to discuss something with me. I see the PADDs. It's about B'Elanna?"

"Yes" Replied Kathryn still standing, "And it can wait. B'Elanna is being monitored discretely by the Doctor's program. We can get an early start in the morning and discuss it then. You are completely tired. Now then…"Kathryn's eyes twinkled, "You are dressed and ready for bed and I'm going to put you there... and before you ask me…Yes that's an order."

Chuckling, Chakotay gave her a mock salute. "Yes Ma'am" he imitated Tom Paris.

'Come on," she said herding him into bed. He got and she arranged the covers under his arms. "Are you going to read me a bed time story too?" He asked innocently, but Kathryn knew it not to take it too seriously as it was his twisted sense of humor coming into the fray.

"Only if you want me to." She uttered those words with a straight face.

"I think, I can manage without one tonight, rain check?" He snuggled in.

Kathryn looked at him sweetly. "Good-night," She was going to say something else, when a memory came to her mind. She remembered it was he who gave her the strength to continue and the safety net to be after her own personal crisis. She gave him the gift that he had given to her that night.

"Let it go and rest. Let me be the Captain _and_ the First Officer tonight and worry about B'Elanna, I promise I'll worry enough for the both of us and you can pick up the burden in the morning." She gave a large smile, but it faded soon after when she noticed the intense look on her First Officer's face.

"Thank you Kathryn" He squeezed her hand and settled back and closed his eyes. Kathryn watched him, amazed. He was indeed asleep after two minutes. She went with her gut when she told him what she did and it was only now that she realized that was exactly what he needed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chakotay awoke fully rested, and was still in a daze for a couple of minutes. He felt strange, almost as if something important happened, and something that should have happened didn't. He realized what they were as soon as he sat upright in his bed.

"Computer what is the time?"

"09:00 hours."

He shot off the bed, he had missed his duty shift by one hour. As he ran to the bathroom grabbing his clean uniform as he went, he wondered why the Captain hadn't called him to the Bridge and on the carpet for being late.

"Commander Chakotay, there is a message for you from Captain Janeway." The computer voice informed him just as he was about to step into the sonic shower. Leaving his robe in the bathroom in his haste, he ran out to the computer terminal on his desk.

"Good morning Chakotay. I debated on whether or not to wake you for breakfast, but I decided to let you sleep in so I cancelled the morning wake up call. I also left breakfast for you. There are two extra replicator rations in your computer banks, so order something nice for yourself. I'll see you on the Bridge when I see you on the bridge. Oh, there is a kia fruit on the Table, Neelix said you liked them."

Chakotay chuckled. He wondered what it looked like when she snuck into his quarters and left the fruit on his table. He wondered if she took the precaution to make sure that no one saw her.

Munching on the fruit, this time he walked to the shower to continue getting ready for the day.

* * *

Janeway was lost in the world of science in the morning. She was studying the Quantum slip steam drive schematics that they had gathered on the "Dauntless" Vorik, Carey and Harry had proposed a plan to duplicate the drive on Voyager and possibly get them home in a matter of hours. They had given her the specifications on a new drive that they wanted to build and test using the technology. For the first time in their entire time in the Delta Quadrant, their Federation Technology seemed to be compatible with an alien Technology and could be used to get them home. It was the project she had dreamed about overseeing ever since she was stranded in the Delta Quadrant. That B'Elanna's part in the report was less than 1/8th of its content was very telling of her Engineering Chief's mental state.

On the desk next to her were the PADDs that she had taken to Chakotay's Quarters last night. She didn't even look at them when she came on to the bridge in the morning. She needed his input and she would not make the decisions without him. In the matter of personnel, she did not meddle until he invited her to or the situation was dire and needed and immediate response in his absence.

The manufacture of the bennerite crystals fascinated Janeway and without looking up she reached for her coffee cup, brought it to her lips and took a long drink…..of air. Kathryn jolted to attention.

"_Damn",_ she thought, "_and I'm all out of rations for coffee for the day." _Making a decision, she grimaced._ "I think I'll eat in the Mess Hall tonight, I need that pot of coffee_."

Just as Kathryn was getting up, the chime sounded.

"Come"

Chakotay entered to see her order her next pot of coffee. He noticed the empty caraft at her desk.

"You're already on your second pot, it's only 10:00am."

"Everyone needs their vices Commander, besides don't forget I was the Captain and the Commander until now."

Chakotay smiled. "Consider yourself the Captain only from this moment on. "

"Thank you. Have a seat," she gestured to the couch and then walked around to the desk to collect her PADDS. "I assumed that you had a good breakfast and you don't want anything."

"No I'm fine." Kathryn poured herself a cup.

"OK," Kathryn settled on the couch and the two of them got into their respective command modes. She handed him a PADD with the Doctor's report. Chakotay skimmed the words as Kathryn recited the essence of what was on it.

"The Doctor thinks that B'Elanna should be given the next week off of work to recuperate. Of course during that time she will still have her Holodeck privileges revoked…."

"That would be kind of difficult. A week off with nothing to do ? I think she'll go stir crazy. What is she supposed to do all day?"

Kathryn picked up a PADD and began to read off of it.

"Meditate, think, contemplate, read…." She put the PADD down and continued. "I know what he had in mind when he said this, but we both know B'Elanna, she wouldn't do that, that would be too hard, she will have to come face to face with what she was doing and have to figure out why she was doing it. I don't even know if she's ready to do that yet."

Chakotay began entering commands on his PADD as he spoke.

"She's ready"

They were simple words that were uttered and with them Kathryn studied Chakotay. She had a fair idea what was going on, and what it had to do with. Chakotay was the only person in whom B'Elanna had confided in over Tom and whatever transpired, it was serious enough and touched something in Chakotay that drained him when he had to deal with it.

As he finished, Chakotay looked up from the PADD and caught Kathryn studying him. Whether she was right or wrong, whatever was wrong with B'Elanna, Kathryn knew that she was not going to find out from him. This was going to be between Chakotay, B'Elanna and Tom and whoever B'Elanna wished to tell. The only way that Kathryn would know the exact nature of what was going on would be from B'Elanna's mouth. But there were implications that she in her role and function of the Captain could not ignore.

"Chakotay, I know that you allowed B'Elanna to go on the Delta Flyer mission because you trusted her to get the job done under pressure, but can she still function as the head of Engineering in everyday matters?"

Chakotay didn't blink, "Yes I know that she can and I recommend that we allow her to continue working, she needs to regain her sense of self again and her sense of value and worth to this crew."

Kathryn picked up her PADD and entered her notes to that effect. Chakotay continued

"However I do think that she should be placed on reduced duty shifts. The Doctor isn't completely wrong. B'Elanna needs to make some time to face her demons, I believe we should allow for that."

Chakotay began entering his notes on the PADD before Kathryn spoke

"Agreed"

They worked in silence for a while on the PADDs until finally they were finished. Kathryn spoke first.

"There is only one other matter, her 'Therapy' sessions. The Doctor believes that she should start those right away……with him as the counselor of course." Kathryn made this remark with a smirk on her face.

Chakotay snorted as the image of B'Elanna decompiling the Doctor's program algorithm by algorithm came to mind.

"Of course" he intoned.

"But I disagree; right now I think that B'Elanna needs you more than the Doctor. You were the only one to get through to her and I think you're the one who is most qualified to handle these 'sessions' "

Chakotay hadn't thought that far ahead in the conversation and Kathryn saw the look of surprise catch his face and then a flash of pain crossed his face. The latter was fleeting, but Kathryn caught it.

She reached out and touched his arm. "I'll consider the matter closed when you tell me that it is and I'll leave the nature and the duration sessions in your capable hands."

Chakotay was going to say something but Kathryn stopped him. "Please don't tell me that you don't think that you're the best choice for this, because deep down you know that you are."

Kathryn smiled at a sad memory, "You seem to have a knack for staging interventions and saving people from the worst part of themselves."

Chakotay remained silent as he remembered how he almost lost her a couple of months ago to the void of her mind. He looked a little away from her with a slight grin on his face

"Trust you to trust me eh?"

Kathryn shook him gently to look at her. He did.

"No, trust _me_ to trust _you _to _trust yourself_." He was silent as he mulled the statement over. Finally he stood, "I'll let you know when things are over, Kathryn." Kathryn joined him and catching his shoulder before he turned to leave she gave him a parting thought.

"I know this has something to do with what happened to the Maquis in the Alpha Quadrant." Chakotay gave her a surprised look. Kathryn continued. "Lucky guess, this situation has affected you too much for it to be anything else. Just take care of yourself while you're taking care of B'Elanna"

"Aye, aye Captain," He gave her a serious look and with that he was gone. Kathryn stared at the closed door through which he had exited for a moment and sighing, she got up took her pot of coffee and went back to her desk to finish her study of the slip steam drive.


	3. Chapter 3

"Come"

Chakotay barely looked up for the reports he was working on when the chime sounded in his office. It was only when his visitor cleared her throat that he stopped suddenly and looked up.

"What can I do for you B'Elanna?"

She strode into the room, purposely and forcefully as if she was getting her courage up to approach him. He was aware of it instantly and when she extended her hand to give him a PADD, he put aside the three that he had spread out on the desk in front of him.

"What's this?"

"The final modification on the Slip Stream drive. Seven and I just completed it today and with your permission we would like to begin construction in three days, it will take us that long to get the materials together."

"I'll show it to the Captain, after I look it over. I know that you'll have your answer before then." Chakotay put the PADD down, stood up from his desk and walked around so that he was standing facing her, in her personal space. He wanted to examine her a little more closely than from behind the desk and he wanted to give her a chance to approach him if she wanted to. He hadn't allowed her to run away from him in the Holodeck, but he had not approached her since. Somehow that felt right. He didn't know why but it did. He knew that she and Tom to work some things out first. And he knew B'Elanna, she wouldn't walk away from this fight now that she had faced and named her demons. She hadn't before.

Chakotay also knew that Kathryn had received a report from the Doctor about B'Elanna's lack of 'sessions'. The physician was concerned that with no forced appointments to make her talk about why she was in effect self-mutilating, that the problem could re-appear, even though her holodeck privileges had been revoked. Kathryn had noted her response to the Doctor in an official reply informing him that the matter was being handled by her first officer who was in charge of personnel. She also went on to state that though Chakotay was not trained in psychiatry or psychology he had successfully helped other members of the crew in their personal crisis periods and was the only member to gain Ms Torres' trust to find out what was driving her to hurt herself. Ms Torres herself has been co-operating and reporting to sickbay every week to ensure that she has not sustained any un-explained injuries. Based on these factors, Chakotay has her full support and authorization to proceed however he sees fit in dealing with the chief engineer.

Kathryn had left both a copy of the letter and her response on a PADD on his desk one morning. She never said a word about the incident.

_Trust me to trust you to trust yourself_

So he did.

"How are things going?" He expected her to go on about ship systems, but she surprised him when she said, "OK, I've been taking things easy, thinking, talking to Tom."

Chakotay almost reeled, who was this person speaking to him? He had been ready at this moment to pry it out of her, but she had volunteered the information. He gestured to the couch, "Tell me"

She sat at the same time with him. B'Elanna squared her shoulders and placed her palms flat out on her knees, she was working up the courage to say something. Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder.

"B'Elanna, relax, just tell me what's going on as much as you want to; whatever you want to say."

"How come you haven't made me go to any therapy 'sessions' "

"Do you need them?"

"No, no" She said quickly. "And even if I did, I think the Doctor would be the last person I want it with" This was said with a little more passion than anything else. Chakotay had a twinkle in his eye

"I know, why do you think that he has lodged a complaint with the Captain?"

B'Elanna took a sharp intake of breath, "What did she say?"

"She officially told the Doctor that she trusts me implicitly to handle your 'sessions' anyway I see fit."

"But we haven't had any." She pressed on.

'Exactly. That's the way I see fit." B'Elanna smiled. "Good, because I meant it when I said I would break your neck"

"Well I don't need to try that little stunt in the holodeck again and even if I did; you wouldn't. You say it convincingly enough though"

"Try me."

"No."

And then silence. Chakotay watch her calm herself down, his hand was still on her shoulder.

"I meant what I said in the Holodeck when I told you I didn't know how to start grieving. You said that we would figure it out together, does you offer still stand?"

"Of course"

"What did you do to grieve?"

"Nothing"

"Nothing?"

"I just let myself be" B'Elanna was looking at him in disbelief. She inquired. "You didn't perform a ritual ceremony, a chant, or go on a vision quest to meet them?"

Chakotay knew where she was going with this, and took her clasped hands in front of her gently into his own hands. Her hands were small and he noticed with surprise, they were trembling. She used those hands to manipulate machinery and enable it to do what it was never intended to do in a fraction of the time that it would take normal engineers. He'd seen those hands fly over computer consuls, programming faster than the speed of her own thoughts at time. Steady, sure and confident; it saddened him that these hands were made so unsteady now.

"B'Elanna" he said softly. He felt the hands stop trembling and relax slightly. "You can't find a magic solution or perform one ceremony that will begin and end grieving, it's a process and there is no right way or wrong way to do it, you just grieve. And there are as many processes as there are species." Chakotay was silent for a little while. B'Elanna looked at him saddened. She realized that he had deflected the question, and not answered her about what **_he_** had done to grieve. That was what she really wanted to know, she had wanted to take her cue from him. She loved Tom with all her heart and she knew that, but she loved Chakotay in a very different way and sometimes it was almost as intense and her love for Tom. They had both been through so much and lost so much…..she just wanted to share_ something_ with him at this time.

Chakotay saw the look that passed across her face and misinterpreted its source. He continued.

"The rituals, the ceremonies and vision quests are just one way that my people as humans deal with loss, the grieving still goes on in traditional ways for humans. The ceremonies force us to confront what has happened and not run away from reality. For some it does not even do that. B'Elanna you are part human and part Klingon. I know that Klingons give one shout at the time of passing of the soul to Sto-Vo-Kor, and the body is left where ever it fell, the important part has gone on. Once the warrior has died in battle, then the people who are left behind assume his is Sto'VoKor and tell of his great deeds in song and story, but humans are a different story. B'Elanna, don't try to deal with this as a Klingon and just move on with your life, there is another part of you that needs time to feel and to grieve."

B'Elanna had been looking at him intently, but at that last statement she lowered her head. Chakotay knew that he had gotten through to her and that she was indeed trying to be what she estimated was the proper way of handling her grief, the **_Klingon_** way. He however didn't break her gaze.

"As for myself…" B'Elanna turned sharply to face him, his face clouded over as he continued. "There were good days and there were bad days, ask any member of the bridge crew who came to my office with shoddy work that week. There were days when I honored them and was proud to have known them as they gave their life for something they believed in. There were days that I felt so guilty for not being there with them that I couldn't look the Captain in her face, I was so angry for her stranding us here. There were days, when I though that this is what life had in store for all of us and I accepted the loss. And there were days when I came off of duty and shut myself in my quarters and cried as I remembered all our times together in the Maquis, the promises that we made to see our cause through to the end, until all the Cardassians were driven out of our territory. It was a pretty bad month."

B'Elanna's heart jumped as she listened to him telling her all of what he had gone through. He had never ever been so intimate with her in the entire time that she knew him. Chakotay for his part saw the naked admiration in her eyes. He released her hand and turned his head slightly from her to continue. "I know most of you didn't see it, that's one of the reasons that sometimes, you really don't want to be wearing a red uniform. Command does not end, when the danger is past and when duty shift ends. I had to be there for others, to buffer some anger, to stand with them in sorrow, and to help them realize that just because the cause was over, their life wasn't."

"Was there no-one for you? What about the Captain?" B'Elanna stared out the outline of his face from her side view. Chakotay turned and stared at her. B'Elanna gave a small smile, "Relax Chakotay, I'm not trying to find out anything about the two of you, and I know you wouldn't tell me either way so it doesn't matter. But the whole crew knows how close you two are and I know you Chakotay…..I have never seen you that comfortable, that open around anyone, not even Seska when the two of you were intimate. Didn't she help you grieve in some way" Chakotay gave her a sharp look, but B'Elanna did not back down, she was waiting on an answer to her question.

Chakotay gave her one. "She didn't know B'Elanna so wasn't there, I didn't tell her what happened until three months after."

"Why?" B'Elanna was surprised at that. Chakotay gave a half shrug at that. "I just wasn't ready for her to know. I needed to be there for the Maquis as their ex-leader, and I didn't want her involved in the situation because I didn't want to address it as the First Officer, and I just wasn't ready to share my grief with her until then."

"But you told me…..you told me first." B'Elanna pointed to herself in shock. Chakotay looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. "Why do you find that so surprising? You of all people had to know first being in a position of authority both here and in the Maquis. And, to be honest I wanted to be with you then, to share the grief with you….."

"And I pushed you away like I always do everyone who tries to reach me." The look of self-disgust and loathing that crossed her face was more than Chakotay could bear. "B'Elanna…" He tugged at her crossed arms in an attempt to shake those thoughts from her. She let her arms fall, and he continued earnestly, "You weren't ready and that was the way it had to be, don't apologize for it. It wasn't time then, but it's time now. Just like it wasn't time until a few weeks ago to let us know what was wrong."

"But I didn't let you know, you had to pry it out of me." B'Elanna dashed at her eyes wiping her tears. Chakotay took her hand and gently held it. His eyes told her to let the tears falls as they wanted to, so she did. "B'Elanna, I _know_ you. If you didn't want to tell me what was going on, you wouldn't have. We would have just stood there in the Holodeck. You lied, pushed everyone away, withdrew from your entire life and when you were caught trying to hurt yourself, you told the Captain everything you thought that she wanted to hear except the truth. I manhandled you, I shook you, dragged you, and shouted at you. Now why the hell didn't you clock me a good one? I thought I was going to limp out of that Holodeck with a broken nose and ribs."

"Then why did you do it?"

"One of my closest friends was in pain and hurting herself. You would have had to render me unconscious before I left you alone. I knew that the yelling and manhandling would wake you up and possibly make you upset enough that the truth might just come out. And it did. I was not just going to abandoned you to yourself, you were going to tell me what was going on, whether you wanted to or not, whether you injured me or not in the process."

B'Elanna turned away from him then, embarrassed by the earnestness and steadfastness that she saw in his eyes. He shook her leg to get her to look at him, she did so briefly and then looked down. He raised her chin so that she would face him directly in his eyes. B'Elanna gave a sharp intake of breath remembering who had done that to her before. She fleetingly thought of what it might mean that he was mimicking the Captain. Chakotay ignored what he saw in B'Elanna's eyes as he continued, "Do you remember when we were captured by the Subu? You told us the story of how you came to be in the Maquis, you told us a lot of things that night and one thing that I never forgot; how happy you were that you had found a family for yourself after what had happened to you in your childhood. When I found that program in your personal holodeck database, I was shocked, but then I knew what was going on. I was actually upset with myself for not thinking of how losing this second family that you had substituted for your first would affect you and not come to you sooner."

"Please don't blame yourself for this." B'Elanna begged, Chakotay smiled at that, "Blame is irrelevant. I'm just glad that right now I have you back."

B'Elanna worked up her courage to ask the following question. "You know Chakotay you never responded to what I had said at that time about my earlier feelings for you?" Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Why are you asking this now, you still have them?" "No," she playfully slapped his arm. "I was going to ask if Tom knew about that?" He smiled, but B'Elanna remained serious, now that she had worked up the courage she was going to continue, "I just wondered what you thought about it?" The corners of Chakotay's mouth went up. "I was embarrassed." B'Elanna's jaw dropped, "You were, why?"

"Frankly, I don't understand what all you women see in me?"

"Chakotay, the fact that we are sitting here right now answers that question. You are one of the most steadfast people I know, when you do something, you give your all to it. Every woman within one month of knowing you realizes that to be with you in whatever way means that you will give your best to them."

"Humph" Chakotay gave a slight snort to that and looked away briefly, his face flushed.

_My best, yes….but not myself  
There is only one woman who got me to give myself……but never all of me.  
I couldn't give all of me._

B'Elanna saw that he had reddened, but the color faded as he looked back at her. "B'Elanna, why did you create that program to watch all the members of our Maquis group get slaughtered? What were hoping to do in it?"

As he asked the question, B'Elanna got up and marched over to the door. Chakotay was so stunned that she was running away, that it took several moments to realize what she was doing. Before he could call out her name, she stopped and hesitated. Making a decision she turned back to face him, but her face was what got him. All of a sudden the blank look came back. Chakotay had hit too close to something that B'Elanna didn't seem she knew how to deal with, so she shut down.

"B'Elanna…….." He said softly, but he did not get off the couch, did not approach her in anyway and did not lock to the door.

A chirp sounded.

"Janeway to Torres,"

"Yes Captain." The dead voice was back and Chakotay knew that Kathryn had heard it as the pause that followed was heavy.

"Please report to the ready room, there are some things I would like to discuss with you on the drive. I've had an inspiration last night."

Before B'Elanna could answer, Chakotay tapped his combadge

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Captain, Lt Torres is with me right now, can it wait for a couple of hours"

"Commander what's going on?" Kathryn sounded peeved. He imagined that she was chomping at the bit to get going with whatever she was working on and was not taking kindly to the any kind of delay. And of course there was her insatiable curiosity.

"Kathryn it's important."

There was a long pause and a hesitation as Kathryn answered. "All right Chakotay, it'll keep. Have Lt Torres report to me as soon as she can."

B'Elanna was amazed that Chakotay could have dissuaded the captain that quickly and he seem to have done it by uttering her name. She knew she was right when she had told Tom that Chakotay was the Captain's best friend. Her thoughts on Chakotay's and the Captain's relationship came to a screeching halt when she saw the look on Chakotay's face. He continued in the same tone that he had before the Captain had interrupted them

"Don't run anymore, don't shut us out,…..don't shut me out. Why did you create that program?" The pain that cut through B'Elanna was like a hot knife as his soft words penetrated her. She was in the middle of trying to stop it, but she didn't. She just let all the emotion come out. All that she had been holding back for so long came pouring out of her. The tears that were coming down her face were blinding and hot and B'Elanna found that she couldn't stand, she slumped to the floor, at the side of his chair, hiding her face in her hands as she cried. Chakotay silently sat as close to her as he could and then touched her. She collapsed against him and he held her as she cried. She began howling and shrieking, her pain coming out like a damn that had been held by a flimsy wall that had finally given way. His eardrums were splitting, his head spinning but still he held on to her. He didn't hear the chime at his door, but his combadge chirped.

"Janeway to Chakotay" B'Elanna was still screaming, and Chakotay knew that she either didn't hear the chime or she didn't care. But he knew if he were to answer then it would break B'Elanna out of her grieving and she would slip away again.

'_Kathryn…..don't…..trust me.' _

He projected that thought as hard as he could.


	4. Chapter 4

"Still no answer, what is going on in there?" The Doctor was annoyed as the sound of B'Elanna wailing was still apparent through the closed door. "Computer open the door. Auth……"

"Computer, belay that order." The computer chimed its consent to the Captain's order and the Doctor turned to face her with outrage and concern lining his face. She held up her hand to stem the protest that she knew was coming. "Computer is the com system in this office working?'

"Affirmative" came the reply

"Are the occupants in any danger?"

"Negative"

"Are their life signs normal?"

"Affirmative."

"We're leaving doctor."

"But…."

"I think both of us know what's going on inside there, and I'm going to leave Chakotay to deal with it as he sees fit. And before you say anything else, that's an order."

The Doctor still looked uncertain, "Even though he's not a physician, you trust him that much to deal with this. This is not just a passing phase, B'Elanna is clinically depressed and has been self mutilating, she needs professional help."

"True, but we don't have that professional help right now. I know you want to try your hand at this doctor, but there is a reason no one has ever thought to build an emergency psychological hologram. There are just some things that need a person with human experience and training to relate to. B'Elanna also needs her friends and especially one who has been with her for a long time. You may not think it, but it is more than enough, in fact I think that it is exactly what she needs right now."

"You trust the Commander that much with B'Elanna's emotional health?"

"As I do with mine, yes." The Doctor's eyes widened with shock with that revelation. "And now…" Kathryn took his arm and steered him down the corridor, "We're leaving."

This time he didn't protest.

* * *

The knocking had stopped and there was silence.

'_Thanks Kathryn'_

He could almost swear that hear her answer

'_Anytime Chakotay'_

Finally after a time, B'Elanna was spent and her cries came down from shrieks to moans and finally to quiet hiccups. Still Chakotay held her. B'Elanna eventually pulled away from him and looked at him puzzled, as if she was trying to figure out why he was there. Then as if she remembered, she looked embarrassed and focused on point on the carpet.

"I don't know the answer to that." Chakotay almost didn't remember what she was talking about and he had to think for several minutes to realize that she was trying to answer his question. She sniffled and Chakotay reached up on the table and got her a tissue.

"Just like a real counselor's office huh?" Chakotay looked at her and grinned. B'Elanna blew her nose violently and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She looked a lot better than when she had started crying. He explained, "They were left over from that flu I contracted on our last away mission. The doctor took some time to develop the antidote and I had to suffer the old fashion way for a couple of days.

B'Elanna smiled at the memory, he had been miserable for those days.

"I guess I wanted to fight along side them to see if my being there would have helped, but it didn't…… I couldn't save them……….and then the _pain_…………it was too much……I shut down the program. Over the next couple of days, the images from the program kept playing over and over in my head and I found myself just getting more and more detached trying to shut them out, and keeping the pain from overwhelming me. At one point I wanted to run the program again and say good bye the Klingon way as they died, but I couldn't go back."

"I didn't realize it at first, but that was when I started to withdraw from everyone. First I didn't feel like doing things I would normally do and then I started turning down invitations, I just wanted to be by myself ………………. on the Holodeck. I made sure I didn't get too close to anyone…….and then ones I was I was already close to……I started to pull away just so I wouldn't grieve again like I am grieving now. But I couldn't control it. In distancing myself from people……..I just and shut them out so completely that I stopped being able to feel something about the most important things, and people in my life. The Holodeck was just so much safer."

"I started running my calisthenics program trying to make myself feel angry. After all that was my most dependable emotion. During one part, I was _killed _so the computer stopped and I found I felt something at the point I realized that I would have been dead if it had been real, so I began running programs with the safeties off." During her narrative, B'Elanna had put her hand on Chakotay's while telling her story. He held it giving her strength to say what she needed to.

She looked at him suddenly, "I tried to say something to Tom and Neelix, especially Neelix, I figured after what he had gone through, he would be able to relate. But I couldn't. I was so scared and then I felt stupid for being scared and then I made myself feel nothing at all." Her voice had gotten quieter and again she looked away from Chakotay again. He raised their joined hands and shook it to get her to look at him.

"I know you're scared to lose me, to lose Tom, Neelix, Harry the Captain and everyone else that you have been close to on this ship, but tell me even if you knew that you were going to lose us tomorrow, is that worth missing out on loving them and giving them your best now?"

B'Elanna thought back to how much of a misfit she had been when she first came to the Maquis. She thought of the changes that being part of that family had brought on her. She thought back to the beginning of their journey in the Delta Quadrant, what she was like then. The fact that she could sit here now with Chakotay, talking about things that terrified her and the things that she would have never faced five years before, far less talk about, was testament of what kind of life she was living here on Voyager and the effect of serving on that ship in that family was having on her. They had never turned their back on her even when she was at her worst. When he put it like that, the only answer she could give was

"No, it's not. And I think you knew that was my answer to that, otherwise you would have never let me go on the Shuttle Mission" B'Elanna looked squarely in Chakotay's eyes and gave her answer with as much conviction as she could muster. She could see from his smile that it was enough.

"I'm still afraid though." She continued

"Of what?"

"Feeling. You know that I'm not exactly good at controlling my emotions. I think I just proved that with my little crying episode I'm afraid that someone will get hurt if I just let it out."

Chakotay made a show of examining his body. "I think I'm alright." She pulled at him playfully and a bit shyly.

"You and Tom are the only ones who have ever seen my tears, I'm talking about my anger." Chakotay looked at her in amazement.

"I'm honored that you trust me that much." B'Elanna inclined her head as if to indicate that it was nothing, but Chakotay knew better than that. It was a great honor to be so treasured and respected by this amazing person.

"And as for your fears B'Elanna, we beat the Borg and species 8472, I think we can handle one half Klingon's temper."

B'Elanna finally stood up and Chakotay with her, "I'll remember you said that and the next time you chew me out the next time I lose it."

"There is one more thing I want to ask you. Actually it was the reason that I came in here. Believe me I didn't plan to have a breakdown."

"Planned or not, it looks like you needed to have one." Chakotay said gently.

"It does look that way."

"I know I don't have Holodeck privileges but I wondered if you would help me do a memorial service for our friends who died. I would like to say goodbye, the right way this time."

Chakotay scrutinized her and was satisfied with what he saw. He went around to the desk and released her programming privileges.

"Get started on it now. I'll look over what you have later, but for now, I need to speak to the Captain."

"The Captain! Oh Chakotay, it will have to wait, Captain Janeway needs to see me." B'Elanna was walking so fast towards the door that Chakotay almost had to run to catch up with her. Putting his hand on her shoulder he said. "Why don't you get started on the program and I'll speak to the Captain."

"But I'm still on duty."

"No you are not, I'll stop and let Seven know that she needs to finish your duty shift."

"But we're in the middle of……"

"No buts Lt you're relieved and it's for medical reasons, now go." His eyes twinkled at her and a small smile tugged at his lips. She gave him a short fierce hug and kissed him on the check. When she looked in his eyes, she said "Thank you" with all of her heart. Chakotay received her gift and with a playful small push towards the door. She left with a smile on her face.

Chakotay stood there for a moment, gathering his thoughts, and leaving this current mode of being and taking up the mantle of First Officer. By the time he decided to go out, the persona was firmly in place. He walked through the corridor with a determined look on his face.

* * *

" I need you to go and finish off Lt Torres shift in engineering."

"I am working on something for the Captain, send someone else."

Chakotay sighed, Seven had to be in one of her moods today. How the Captain dealt with her during those times was a mystery to him and a skill he did not want. He was in no mood for her temper tantrums today. Chakotay planted himself directly in front of her.

"I don't want anyone else to go down there, I want you to go."

"Now."

"Surely there is someone else who could run engineering at this time, while there is no one else who can perform these calculations for the captain."

Chakotay lost it. "Seven of Nine, tertiary adjunct of Unimatrix 1, when I give you an order on this ship I expect it to be obeyed, with no questions or running commentaries, now if you are not on your way to engineering within the next five seconds, you are going to find yourself relieved of duty and spending the next month in the Brig." His voice was quiet and Seven knew that if she didn't have her Borg implants she would have to strain to hear him. Because of this when shouted the next word she flinched.

'UNDERSTOOD!"

Chakotay's face was black and Seven had to admit she was feeling apprehensive about dealing with him. The way that she would be when she was dealing with the Captain.

"Yes sir" She said it flatly, upset that he would talk to her like that. She started moving towards the door and stopped. Will you tell the Captain that I am no longer carrying out her explicit instruction?"

Chakotay sighed. "Yes I will." Why did she always have to get the last words in? It was a petty game of one-upmanship and the sad thing about it was that she didn't realize that in actuality, he had gotten the last word in, she was on her way to Engineering at his command.

Without a word, Seven left Astrometrics. Chakotay waited until she had gone and went to find the Captain.

* * *

"Come."

"Chakotay…." Kathryn turned off her computer as he came into the Office. He extended a PADD to her and she took it.

"What's this?"

"The final modifications for the Slip Stream drive, B'Elanna dropped it by my office about two hours ago.'

"How did it go?" Chakotay sat in a chair in front her desk and Kathryn came around and leaned on the desk studying him. He sighed deeply.

"OK, I think she's through the worst of it"

"I hope so, that was some racket she made in your office."

Chakotay frowned, "You were outside the door?"

Kathryn smiled, "The Doctor and I were. Several crewmembers reported the incident to Sickbay and the Doctor contacted me on his way there. I had a good idea what was going on from earlier conversation, but I wanted to be sure as well as dissuade the Doctor from entering your office and interrupting you."

"Thanks, I think that would have really done more damage than good." Chakotay looked at her gratefully. In the back of his mind he wondered if she had received his thought. _'Course not._ Shaking his head he dismissed it.

"She wants to have a memorial service in the Holodeck for our friends just as her way of saying goodbye to them. I've given my permission for her to start the program. I didn't want her to put it off so I've put Seven in charge of Engineering and gave her the rest of the day off." Chakotay made a face, Kathryn caught and had a good idea why he had done so.

"Let me guess, Seven thought that her skills would be wasted in Engineering and wanted you to rescind your order."

Chakotay gave an exasperated snort and rolled his eyes "How do you deal with her when she's in a mood?"

"With an iron fist," came the bemused reply. He chuckled and she joined him. "Well be prepared for a grievance report" He said.

"Sometimes, she can be infuriating, if the First Officer tells me I have to wait for a report due to personnel matters and I have to wait, who does she think she is?"

"You didn't have to wait. You could have ordered Lt Torres to report to you, you're the Captain."

"And you're the First Officer and in charge of personnel. We weren't at red Alert, it could waited."

"Thank you Kathryn." Chakotay sighed, it was deep. All of a sudden he felt tired……and cold. He looked down and realized that he hadn't even changed his jacket and B'Elanna had thoroughly soaked it with her tears. Kathryn followed his gaze and guessed what that dark spot was on his shoulder. Her tone softened.

"I meant what I said about taking care of yourself. It's 19:00 hours, how about we catch an early dinner at my place and you take the rest of the night off."

"Kathryn I appreciate the offer, but dealing with B'Elanna has prevented me from doing a lot of work that I need to get done, especially on the Slip Drive project."

"Well I'm sure, that I'm not going to talk to B'Elanna until in the morning, so we may as well get a good night sleep and pull double shifts in the morning to make up the time."

"Sounds like a plan." Chakotay got up and Kathryn joined him. As they got to the door, she stopped him and asked. "Can I close this incident with B'Elanna medically?"

Chakotay thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I'll write up the report tomorrow. The only thing I'm a little concerned about is the memorial service, if she will have a relapse after that. I'll talk to the Doctor and schedule a weekly routine check-up for a month after that. But I don't think that we'll see anything. I won't let her perform the ceremony by herself and I won't fully restore her Holodeck privileges until the final check up."

"As you wish Commander."

She sounded so formal that he looked at her quizzically. She smiled at him. Chakotay yawned. "I don't know if I'll be great company tonight Kathryn."

"Doesn't matter, we've been through too much to feel that we have to entertain each other. Besides," Kathryn continued clasping him on the shoulder, "I get the feeling that you don't want to be alone right now, as much as you don't want company."

"You know B'Elanna told me that she had never known me to let anyone get as close to me as you are Kathryn. Sometimes it scares me how well you know me." His look was haunted and longing, and ….fleeting. A small sad smile came on his face as he touched the side of her face briefly, cupping her cheek with his hand if only for a moment.

"Chakotay" she intoned softly, "What is it?"

He shook his head as a larger smile met her puzzled look. 'Sorry Kathryn long day, I'll see you in about half an hour."

"My Replicator, or yours?"

"Mine, I still have those rations you gave me a few weeks ago." With that he was gone.

Leaving Kathryn to wonder.

The End.

**Part 13: One Moment in Time**


End file.
